More 'Old People' Mail

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth!  It's just since school started back, and I went back to work in the school cafeteria after being off all summer (and between helping Lilly with homework, toting her to cheerleading practice, to cheer at football games on Saturdays, dance class, and gymnastics class every week -- not to mention me being tired from work and taking lots of naps), I haven't had time to do any blogging in a while!  Plus, I haven't had a whole lot worth mentioning anyway.  But since this is a 3-day weekend for me, I thought I'd try to catch back up a little!  :)

So, without further ado, here we go with yet another rousing episode of 'Old People' Mail!:

First, I received this envelope in the mail.  At first, I assumed it might be insurance cards.  You know, since it says 'Cards Enclosed':

But ding dong, I was wrong!  It turned out to be my very own bright, shiny, new AARP Membership Cards for myself, and my spouse/partner:

(Gee, I need to act now so I can receive my absolutely free insulated travel bag)!

Next up, I received this intriguing envelope (from another one of those companies which evidently has a mandatory policy of keeping the Caps Lock key pressed at all times):

Holy crap!  A death benefit AND a free Wal-Mart gift certificate information?  Where do I sign?

Yes, Please Rush!

By the way, speaking of Death and Wal-Mart, one day I was nonchalantly browsing Wal-Mart's website just for fun, and came across this oddball department:

Wait.  What was that?  

¯¯...one of these things is not like the other...¯¯

Let's take a closer look:

Yes, that's right, folks.  You can purchase cremation urns, caskets, and other somber death-related accessories right from good ol' Wal-Mart's website.  And the funeral products are not only for adults, but for children, and pets, too!  Hey, you shop Wal-Mart every week for socks and Cheetos anyway, why not throw a casket in your shoppin' cart too?  Just like that super-ultra-mega-economy size 36 rolls of toilet paper, you'll use it eventually!  O__o

I was browsing the 9 pages of funeral-ware, and came across some gems.  First, a variety of camouflage urns:

And oddly, they also have major league baseball urns (your choice of 27 different teams!):

*baseball IS included!  :D

But what if you're a baseball fan, and cremation isn't in your plan?  No problem!  We've gotcha covered with this handy-dandy major league baseball casket!  (Your choice of 30 different teams)!:

*All major league baseball caskets come standard with velvet interiors, and premium swing bar handles!  :D

Bafflingly, baseball was the only sport with items for purchase in the funeral department.  They didn't carry anything for football or basketball or hockey or anything else.  Bizarre.

Then I came across these weird urns:

What are these for?  To put the cremated remains of bees in after you annihilate their nests with gasoline and fire (and the big one's for the queen bee)?

And finally, alarmingly, in the middle of a row of caskets you could order, was this (hopefully unrelated) product:

O__o

But anyway, back to the mail:

Then I got this little nondescript envelope:

Oh goody!  Could it be my first Christmas card (3 months early)?

NOPE:

But hey, it is a Cordial Invitation!

I always thought that sounded so weird -- Cordial Invitation.  I mean, what does that even mean anyway?  It makes me think of those cordial cherries you get at Christmastime, and every time I see or hear the word 'cordial', I get that taste and feeling in my mouth like I've just eaten one too many of those cordial cherries.  :P

Update:  I Googled it, and apparently 'cordial' means The adverb cordially comes from the adjective cordial, which come from the Middle Latin word cordialis meaning "of or for the heart." Something that is done cordially has warmth and friendliness to it, like a host who greets people cordially at a party. In fact, formal party invitations sometimes use the phrase "you are cordially invited," which means you are happily encouraged to attend.

If somebody Cordially Invited me to a Cordial Cherry party, I would definitely attend.  But for this, I'm afraid I'll have to send my regrets:

NoThankYouVeryMuch.

Next up in the mailbox, this:

No comment.

And finally, this nutty thing:

Seriously?  Carbon paper?  What is this, 1973?  I can't even begin to tell you how black my thumb managed to get trying to open this dumb thing.  And inside (besides that dopey sheet of carbon paper that they must have found in a long-lost dusty warehouse in an abandoned ghost town somewhere) was this:

It's crazy the lengths companies like this will go to to attempt to dupe 'old people' into falling for schemes like this by making their mailing appear as legit as possible.

First of all, the use of carbon paper, and that gobbledygook security printing on the outside of the envelope to make it look like a check or something really important you would receive in the mail back in the '70s when the 'old people' were 'young'.

Second of all, the dot matrix printing, and the use of buzzwords and catch phrases that the 'old people' have been hearing on the TV lately; 'Medicare', 'Open Enrollment', 'Prescription Drug Program', etc.

But wait, what's that printed at the bottom of the filthy carbon-smeared paper (in small, dim font that most 'old people' can't see)?:

Hmm.

Companies who try to dupe people into falling for their schemes are awful.  It's one thing to employ snazzy marketing skills and techniques to legitimately attract people to your company, but when you use trickery as bait to snare naive, innocent folks into your trap, it's just wrong.

Stupid companies.  If this is the kind of junk they're mailing out to 'old people' now, what am I gonna get in my mailbox when I really am old?  By that time, they'll probably figure out a way to print with a mind-controlling ink, so as soon as you grab the junk mail to take it out of your mailbox, you'll instantly be hypnotized, and fill out the Business Reply Card in a zombie-like trance while you're still standing in the driveway, in order to receive your complimentary tote bag/unwittingly sign over your firstborn grandchild!  :/ 

Sheesh!

;)