March 19, 2013

Tales from the Grocery Store, Volume 5


I have never been able to figure out why cashiers and/or bagboys usually feel the need to make comments on your purchases while they're ringing you up.  "Were you able to find everything OK?"  *boop*  "Ooh, are these good?"  *boop*   "Well, this is nice"  *boop*   "Mmmm, that looks good"  *boop*   and "I'll need to get myself some of these while they're on sale"  *boop*  are just a handful of the examples I've heard in all my years of purchasing items.  I guess the cashiers/bagboys are just trying to make small talk to pass the time or something.  Or who knows, maybe it's some kind of weird requirement.  Like a dumb store policy.  You never know what kind of weirdo, cockamamie rules management are gonna throw out there to force their poor employees to comply with (as if they didn't have enough to worry about or mess with as it is).

It wouldn't do for me to be a cashier.  Step 1, I don't particularly like interacting with strangers (or most other humans, for that matter).  Step 2, I don't give a crap what kind of cookies you're buying this week, or if they're any good.  I would imagine if you're buying them, you must like them, and who cares what anybody else thinks.  I would never dream of making any kind of comment about somebody's little ol' cookies, or anything else.

Today's grocery store weirdness occurred at the checkout.  I had a box of borax in my buggy, and the older lady cashier said something about it (something to the effect of what a versatile product it was), and I agreed, and explained that I used it to make my own laundry detergent, among other things.  The cashier said "You're smart".  Then the bagboy piped up and said "I use it too" and both me and the cashier-lady looked at each other in slight bewilderment, because you wouldn't expect a 19+/- year old guy with an emo haircut to be using borax for anything (much less using any type of cleaning product at all, for that matter).  And that's when the dude shamelessly explained "I use it for killing roaches", and both me and the cashier lady were like
 
And the bagboy continued to explain how he sprinkles it all around behind everything, and how borax is the only thing he's found that would kill his roaches.

I mean, don't get me wrong.  I've seen enough episodes of Billy the Exterminator to know that these things can happen to even the cleanest of people (although I can't help but think that the nastier your house is, surely the more appealing it would be to a variety of vermin)...?

So even though I don't really like interacting with strange people, at the same time, I'm always nice to everyone, so I tried to smooth over the embarrassment of the situation (not for myself, but for the bagboy, who evidently didn't realize that having roaches in your house was something that you should probably be embarrassed about, or at the very least, a taboo fact that you might not want to freely advertise to the world) by simply stating over again how yes, indeed, borax certainly can be used for a wide variety of different things.  Even killing roaches.  *shudder*

Finally, my grocery transaction was complete, and as always, the bagboy asked me if I needed any help getting my groceries out to my car.  With visions of roaches skittering down his shirt sleeves and into my grocery bags to come home with me, I politely declined (although I always decline assistance anyway, roaches or no roaches).  And I made my way home with just a very slight case of the willies.

When I got home and was unloading the groceries and putting them away, I discovered that the roachy bagboy had neglected to put my carton of eggs in the buggy, so I didn't make it home with them.  And boy, was I pissed about it.  I hope Ol' Roachy enjoys his omelet tonight!  >:{

Stupid grocery store!  Grr!

March 14, 2013

I Was Under The Impression That The Mustard Stain Came Out

The other day, I was driving down the road on my way to town, and I passed by a church that's a few miles from my house.  The marquee out front caught my eye:
An Easter blacklight drama?  What is that, even?  And I immediately couldn't help but think this:

(click this link for the joke):  Mitch Hedberg - Mustard Stain (at 01:11)

March 13, 2013

Well, Maybe I Can Make Some Bread Out Of It...?

You know, for the past couple of days I'd been catching some faint whiffs of bananas every now and then.  It would usually happen in odd, non-banana areas (I mean, you would expect to possibly smell bananas in a kitchen, or other reasonable places like that).  But here I was, smelling them in the car, while walking around nowhere near anything remotely banana-ish, etc.

So this morning after I dropped Lilly off at school, I needed to run some errands.  I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  Before I got out of the car, I noticed that my small purse had gotten clunky with some various large random items (which invariably happens when you're a mommy and/or a slob like me).  So before I ventured into the grocery store, I decided to ditch a few nonessential things out of my purse, so I wouldn't have to dig through it like a honey badger, trying to find my wallet.

Well, what's the first thing that I discovered in the ol' purse-a-roo?
The source of the mysterious banana odor.

LOL!

March 7, 2013

Tales from the Grocery Store, Volume 4

Well, I haven't had any wacky grocery store adventures for a while now, so I was long overdue.

Today's tale begins as I was exiting the grocery store with my buggy full of purchases.  I was almost to my car, when some old man comes doddering up to me and says "'Scuze me, ma'am", and I freaked out momentarily (silently, inside my brain), and cooly replied, "Yeah"?  And the old man continued, "When yew were walkin' outta the store a minit ago, yew dropped this", and he handed me a PENNY.

So of course, me being me, and not knowing what else to do about it anyway, I accepted the penny from the old man and said "THANKS!  I'll keep that...I'll put it in my piggy bank"!  And the old man grinned, seemingly pleased with himself, and doddered away.

Then as I was carrying onward to my car, it dawned on me:
I had paid with my debit card.  I had received no change.  There was no way that penny could've been mine!

And then, the craziest thought instantly popped into my head.  This is what my silly brain told me:
HE HAD IT IN HIS BUTT-CRACK.

HE HAD PUT THE PENNY IN HIS BUTT-CRACK, AND KEPT IT THERE ALL NIGHT, AND JUST NOW TRICKED YOU WITH IT.

So I hurriedly loaded my groceries into the back of my car, returned the empty buggy.  I hopped into my car, and immediately used an extra-large dose of hand sanitizer just in case.

And so, on my way home from the grocery store (where I do my best thinking -- most people think best when they're sitting on the commode, or taking a shower, but me, I do my best thinking on my way home from the grocery store), by the time I got to the red light, I had abandoned the penny-in-the-butt-crack notion.  And then I determined that the penny must be CURSED instead.

So after I got home, unloaded all the groceries, and put them away, here comes my silly brain again.
HEY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU COULD TELL IF THAT PENNY WAS IN THAT OLD MAN'S BUTT CRACK OR NOT?

YOU COULD SNIFF IT.

COME ON, SNIFF IT.

And I thought to myself, "NO, brain, I'm NOT going to sniff it"!

5 minutes later...

"All right, stupid brain, if I sniff it, will you SHUT UP"?!?

Brain:  "LOLOLOL DUDE I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT!!!"

At any rate, I am pleased to report that the soiled cursed penny is really just a regular penny after all.

But I REFUSE to bite it to make sure!!!  (You hear that, brain?  I REFUSE!!!  Sniffing was ENOUGH)!!!  GAH!!!

So into the change jar it will go.

Gee, if I had 99,999 more of those pennies, I could afford to get one of those fancy dogs like what showed up at my house last weekend!  (Thank you, internet, I really didn't want to have to do that hard-@$$ math myself)!  :)

Speaking of coins, one day last week when Lilly came home from school, she was rummaging in her book bag, when she said "OH YEAH", whipping out a quarter, "LOOK WHAT I FOUND"!  And I replied, "Aww yeah, Lilly, that's great...a quarter"!  And Lilly said "Yeah, and it's a BIG ONE, too"!!!

LOL!  :D