March 19, 2013

Tales from the Grocery Store, Volume 5


I have never been able to figure out why cashiers and/or bagboys usually feel the need to make comments on your purchases while they're ringing you up.  "Were you able to find everything OK?"  *boop*  "Ooh, are these good?"  *boop*   "Well, this is nice"  *boop*   "Mmmm, that looks good"  *boop*   and "I'll need to get myself some of these while they're on sale"  *boop*  are just a handful of the examples I've heard in all my years of purchasing items.  I guess the cashiers/bagboys are just trying to make small talk to pass the time or something.  Or who knows, maybe it's some kind of weird requirement.  Like a dumb store policy.  You never know what kind of weirdo, cockamamie rules management are gonna throw out there to force their poor employees to comply with (as if they didn't have enough to worry about or mess with as it is).

It wouldn't do for me to be a cashier.  Step 1, I don't particularly like interacting with strangers (or most other humans, for that matter).  Step 2, I don't give a crap what kind of cookies you're buying this week, or if they're any good.  I would imagine if you're buying them, you must like them, and who cares what anybody else thinks.  I would never dream of making any kind of comment about somebody's little ol' cookies, or anything else.

Today's grocery store weirdness occurred at the checkout.  I had a box of borax in my buggy, and the older lady cashier said something about it (something to the effect of what a versatile product it was), and I agreed, and explained that I used it to make my own laundry detergent, among other things.  The cashier said "You're smart".  Then the bagboy piped up and said "I use it too" and both me and the cashier-lady looked at each other in slight bewilderment, because you wouldn't expect a 19+/- year old guy with an emo haircut to be using borax for anything (much less using any type of cleaning product at all, for that matter).  And that's when the dude shamelessly explained "I use it for killing roaches", and both me and the cashier lady were like
 
And the bagboy continued to explain how he sprinkles it all around behind everything, and how borax is the only thing he's found that would kill his roaches.

I mean, don't get me wrong.  I've seen enough episodes of Billy the Exterminator to know that these things can happen to even the cleanest of people (although I can't help but think that the nastier your house is, surely the more appealing it would be to a variety of vermin)...?

So even though I don't really like interacting with strange people, at the same time, I'm always nice to everyone, so I tried to smooth over the embarrassment of the situation (not for myself, but for the bagboy, who evidently didn't realize that having roaches in your house was something that you should probably be embarrassed about, or at the very least, a taboo fact that you might not want to freely advertise to the world) by simply stating over again how yes, indeed, borax certainly can be used for a wide variety of different things.  Even killing roaches.  *shudder*

Finally, my grocery transaction was complete, and as always, the bagboy asked me if I needed any help getting my groceries out to my car.  With visions of roaches skittering down his shirt sleeves and into my grocery bags to come home with me, I politely declined (although I always decline assistance anyway, roaches or no roaches).  And I made my way home with just a very slight case of the willies.

When I got home and was unloading the groceries and putting them away, I discovered that the roachy bagboy had neglected to put my carton of eggs in the buggy, so I didn't make it home with them.  And boy, was I pissed about it.  I hope Ol' Roachy enjoys his omelet tonight!  >:{

Stupid grocery store!  Grr!

March 14, 2013

I Was Under The Impression That The Mustard Stain Came Out

The other day, I was driving down the road on my way to town, and I passed by a church that's a few miles from my house.  The marquee out front caught my eye:
An Easter blacklight drama?  What is that, even?  And I immediately couldn't help but think this:

(click this link for the joke):  Mitch Hedberg - Mustard Stain (at 01:11)

March 13, 2013

Well, Maybe I Can Make Some Bread Out Of It...?

You know, for the past couple of days I'd been catching some faint whiffs of bananas every now and then.  It would usually happen in odd, non-banana areas (I mean, you would expect to possibly smell bananas in a kitchen, or other reasonable places like that).  But here I was, smelling them in the car, while walking around nowhere near anything remotely banana-ish, etc.

So this morning after I dropped Lilly off at school, I needed to run some errands.  I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  Before I got out of the car, I noticed that my small purse had gotten clunky with some various large random items (which invariably happens when you're a mommy and/or a slob like me).  So before I ventured into the grocery store, I decided to ditch a few nonessential things out of my purse, so I wouldn't have to dig through it like a honey badger, trying to find my wallet.

Well, what's the first thing that I discovered in the ol' purse-a-roo?
The source of the mysterious banana odor.

LOL!

March 7, 2013

Tales from the Grocery Store, Volume 4

Well, I haven't had any wacky grocery store adventures for a while now, so I was long overdue.

Today's tale begins as I was exiting the grocery store with my buggy full of purchases.  I was almost to my car, when some old man comes doddering up to me and says "'Scuze me, ma'am", and I freaked out momentarily (silently, inside my brain), and cooly replied, "Yeah"?  And the old man continued, "When yew were walkin' outta the store a minit ago, yew dropped this", and he handed me a PENNY.

So of course, me being me, and not knowing what else to do about it anyway, I accepted the penny from the old man and said "THANKS!  I'll keep that...I'll put it in my piggy bank"!  And the old man grinned, seemingly pleased with himself, and doddered away.

Then as I was carrying onward to my car, it dawned on me:
I had paid with my debit card.  I had received no change.  There was no way that penny could've been mine!

And then, the craziest thought instantly popped into my head.  This is what my silly brain told me:
HE HAD IT IN HIS BUTT-CRACK.

HE HAD PUT THE PENNY IN HIS BUTT-CRACK, AND KEPT IT THERE ALL NIGHT, AND JUST NOW TRICKED YOU WITH IT.

So I hurriedly loaded my groceries into the back of my car, returned the empty buggy.  I hopped into my car, and immediately used an extra-large dose of hand sanitizer just in case.

And so, on my way home from the grocery store (where I do my best thinking -- most people think best when they're sitting on the commode, or taking a shower, but me, I do my best thinking on my way home from the grocery store), by the time I got to the red light, I had abandoned the penny-in-the-butt-crack notion.  And then I determined that the penny must be CURSED instead.

So after I got home, unloaded all the groceries, and put them away, here comes my silly brain again.
HEY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU COULD TELL IF THAT PENNY WAS IN THAT OLD MAN'S BUTT CRACK OR NOT?

YOU COULD SNIFF IT.

COME ON, SNIFF IT.

And I thought to myself, "NO, brain, I'm NOT going to sniff it"!

5 minutes later...

"All right, stupid brain, if I sniff it, will you SHUT UP"?!?

Brain:  "LOLOLOL DUDE I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT!!!"

At any rate, I am pleased to report that the soiled cursed penny is really just a regular penny after all.

But I REFUSE to bite it to make sure!!!  (You hear that, brain?  I REFUSE!!!  Sniffing was ENOUGH)!!!  GAH!!!

So into the change jar it will go.

Gee, if I had 99,999 more of those pennies, I could afford to get one of those fancy dogs like what showed up at my house last weekend!  (Thank you, internet, I really didn't want to have to do that hard-@$$ math myself)!  :)

Speaking of coins, one day last week when Lilly came home from school, she was rummaging in her book bag, when she said "OH YEAH", whipping out a quarter, "LOOK WHAT I FOUND"!  And I replied, "Aww yeah, Lilly, that's great...a quarter"!  And Lilly said "Yeah, and it's a BIG ONE, too"!!!

LOL!  :D

February 28, 2013

The $1,000 Dog Who Came To Play

Yesterday morning, I stepped outside to pitch some kitchen scraps out into the edge of the woods, when something caught my eye down at the bottom of the driveway.  I turned to look, and lo and behold, it was one of the biggest, fluffiest dogs I had ever seen in real life.  Maddie and Lucky were visiting with it.  The dogs spotted me, and they all came galloping.  I yelled for Jamie, and he came outside to check out the strange dog.  It had on a collar with a rabies tag, but no other identification.  So at least we knew it belonged to someone.  And we also noticed that it had been down at the lake, because its legs and underbelly were all wet.  But it was so fluffy that we couldn't even tell if it was male or female!  I watched it for a long time to see if it would pee, and that would be the tell-tale sign of its gender, but I never noticed it peeing.  It trotted around the house and played with Maddie and Lucky all day.  Finally, around suppertime, we started getting a little concerned, figuring that its owner might be wondering where it was.  Jamie called one of the guys who lives at the end of our road who is a huge dog lover, and has several of his own, to see if he knew anything about the dog.  Luckily, he did.  He told us that it belonged to his new neighbors who had just recently moved in, and that it has been jumping their fence.  He said he would come get it and take it back to its house.  So in a little while, he came, and we all talked about the dog for a little while.  The guy couldn't remember the dog's name (he just calls it "Big Boy" whenever it shows up at his house), and he couldn't remember what breed it was, but he told us that it was a very expensive dog.  Like around $1,000 expensive!  And also that the dog was only 10 months old!  I was blown away.  So he took the dog back down the road home to where it belonged, and I'm sure he told the dog's owners all about its roaming antics of the day.  I haven't seen "Big Boy" today, so hopefully his owners have figured out a way to keep him from running off.

Wow!  What a dog!





February 26, 2013

Fruit Of The Loom

A few minutes ago, Lilly looked up for a moment from her hand-held video game to ask me, "Mom, what's 'Fruit Of The Loom'"?  Laughing knowingly, I replied "Whyyy...where did you see that"?  And Lilly said "On Hunter's underwear".  (Hunter is a boy in Lilly's class who sits across from her).  So I asked Lilly "How did you see that"?  And she explained that she sees it all the time, because Hunter sits on his feet in his chair, and it causes his pants to get pulled down in the back, causing the words 'Fruit Of The Loom' to show for all the world to see.  I laughed again and told Lilly that 'Fruit Of The Loom' is the brand name of the underwear.  Then I asked Lilly if she let Hunter know that his 'bloomers' were showing, and she said "NOOO"!  I asked "Why not"?  And Lilly said that Hunter would be embarrassed, and he yells whenever he's embarrassed.

Good call, Lilly!  Good call!  Sometimes it's best to just turn the other cheek (even when it's someone else that should be turning theirs)!  ;)  LOL!

February 20, 2013

Lilly and the Birthstones

Lilly came home from school just a little while ago.  She was doing her homework at the coffee table, when she took a break from it to come over and have the following conversation with me:

Lilly:  "I wish my birthday was in April".

Me:  "Why"?

Lilly:  "Because the birthstone for April is a diamond".

Me:  "You know what?  I used to wish that very same thing when I was a little girl".

Lilly:  "What's your birthstone"?

Me (wrinkling my nose):  "A garnet...it's really really really dark red & I hate it".

Lilly:  "What's my birthstone, an emerald"?

Me:  "No, yours is green, but it's a peridot".

Lilly:  "Is it shiny like a diamond"?

Me:  "Well, kind of, but it's a really light, pretty green".

Lilly:  "Do you know what the WORST rock is"?

Me:  "What"?

Lilly:  "TALC".



LOL!  Here's hoping your birthstone isn't talc!  :D