The Magical Couches of Treasure (and Shame)

A couple of days ago, I took a notion to scoot all of my living room furniture away from the walls and vacuum up all of the dust and dirt that had been accumulating under everything.  The first thing I did was to scoot out the loveseat.  I vacuumed up all the fuzz and random bits that had been on the floor underneath it, but it still wasn't good enough to suit me.  So I actually tipped the loveseat up so that its back was laying on the floor, and discovered that stuck to the bottom of it was Filth City.  Incorporated.  I had always heard that you should actually remove the dust covers from underneath your couches when you get them, because they actually trap and cause dust rather than preventing it, as the name falsely implies.  So I got my trusty pair of cruddy scissors and commenced to cuttin' off the wretched dust cover.  What then spewed forth was truly horrifying:

This is the censored version.  There was many more times this amount of filth that I retrieved, but it is out of the frame of the picture.  It's so embarrassing.  So that's why I'm splattering it on the internet for all the world to see LOL!

Anyway, as you can see, among the general filth of hair, pet fur, dirt, candy wrappers, scraps of paper, pieces of cereal, candy, and various cookie and snack particles, several treasures were retrieved, which I neatly lined up in a row:  A penny, which was so encrusted with sticky goo, that it caused it to turn partially green.  A button, a brown crayon, a pair of hot pink sunglasses for Polly Pocket, Polly Pocket's blue radio, some kind of cheap skinny pink magic marker, a laser pointer (cat toy) -- and it still worked -- this was the best treasure of all, a clothespin, a hair clip, an orange pencil eraser, and the metal eraser top of a pencil that a dog had eaten the rest of at some point in time.

After the bounty of loveseat treasure that I discovered, I was super-eager to go spelunking into the depths of the couch.  Larger sofa = more filth treasure.  So up on its back the couch went, and again I wielded my trusty, crusty scissors and began snipping away at the dust cover.  When all was said and done, I ended up having enough dog and cat hair in a pile to make about 5 more pets.  But here are the treasures that I discovered:

Again, the censored version.  A rainbow-colored hair clip, a broken purple crayon, pieces of a pink plastic cat-food bowl that one of the dogs sneaked & snagged and chewed to bits on the couch in the middle of the night one night, various pieces of cereal and candy, a pink plastic spoon from Lilly's Disney Princess tea set, a yellow ponytail holder, a green crayon, some sort of pink plastic mystery thing that appears as if it may have glowed-in-the-dark at one point in time (couch rave?), Lilly's plastic pearl dress-up necklace, a tiny pink hair clip, a tiny orange piece of tinkertoy from 1972, some random black cap that goes to who-knows-what, a dog chew rawhide twist, a plastic fishing worm absolutely encapsulated in filth, a skinny green ribbon, and a pencil with jack-o-lanterns printed on it.

Needless to say, I was absolutely, completely, and everlastingly disturbed, horrified, and disgusted at all of the crud I cleaned out from my loveseat and couch.  So next time you're deep-cleaning your own abode, and think embarrassingly to yourself that nobody else's house in the whole world could ever possibly be as filthy as yours, just remember this.

And ALWAYS remove your dust covers!

Another interesting fact that I discovered from this travesty is that M&M candies that are trapped inside the depths of your sofa for several years actually completely fade their color and turn white!  I didn't even realize that they were M&Ms until I accidentally busted one open and realized it was chocolate!  You couldn't see the "m" printed on it anymore or anything!  I thought it was a Skittle!  But no, I didn't eat it.  I didn't even keep the crusty green penny, which is so unlike me!  If it's so bad that even I won't clean it up and keep it, you know it HAS to be BAAAD!

LOL!  Happy cleaning, folks!  :P