Anyway, I got to thinking about it, and wondering why I was getting so much mail like that. All I could figure was that I used to subscribe to a couple of magazines that you would probably consider to be largely for retired people and the elderly. They were Reminisce, and Reminisce Extra:
My grandma had some of those magazines laying around years ago, and I thought they were really interesting and enjoyed reading them, since I like old-timey and historical kind of stuff.
So eventually, I got myself subscriptions to these magazines, but after a few years, I decided to finally let my subscriptions lapse (since I began tightening the belt on any unnecessary expenditures).
Probably the year after I stopped getting the "old people" magazines, I began to receive "old people" junk mail. The topics ranged from Social Security death benefit information, hearing aid offers, funeral pre-planning offers from funeral homes, medical screenings, eyeglasses offers, and everything in between.
I put 2 and 2 together, and figured that the reason I might be getting so much "old people" junk mail was probably due to the fact that I used to subscribe to those "old people" magazines, and they must have sold my address, which got me put on all kinds of "old people" mailing lists. I wasn't very happy about that.
So I've been getting "old people" mail every week for I guess a couple of years now. It's pretty annoying.
One day several months ago, I was just sitting there messing around randomly surfing the internet, when I took a notion to Google myself. You know, just to see what came up for fun. Of course there were a bunch of websites that come up with very basic information about people (just enough to get you interested), and of course offers to let you pay them in order to receive more in-depth information about the person you're
One of these websites in particular went so far as to tell the ages of the people you were looking up.
And that's when I discovered it.
It said that I was 63.
And that was the moment I realized that that had to be the reason I've been getting so much "old people" junk mail.
Somehow, somewhere, in the World Wide Interwebz, my actual age of 36 ended up getting transposed to 63. And the funeral pre-planning ads, etc. started pouring into my mailbox, and has been ever since. Crap.
Here it is just January 5th, and already this year, I've received this offer to have screenings done to see if you're at risk to have a stroke or other life-threatening "old-people" types of health problems:
(And of course they got my first name wrong by calling me "Deanna" instead of "Deana") -- GRR!!! >:{
I also got this offer for a hearing screening the other day. But judging from the Size 72 Font that they used to type the whole thing up with, you'd thing that they were offering eye exams instead! LOL!
I get these hearing screening offers quite a bit. They always offer something that tries to entice you to go, like for example, a steak dinner, a turkey, or in the example above (conveniently in time for Valentine's Day),:
But wait, if you're expecting to get to go there, get your ear-holes probed for a few minutes, and then get to gleefully waltz out of there with a box of chocolates and some flowers in hand, DING-DONG, YOU'RE WRONG, because instead, you will end up with this:
And what the hell are "Lionshare Certificates", anyway?!?
OK, so I had to Google it, and discovered this:
How do Lionshare Certificates work?
Lionshare Certificates are like coupons for ten dollars towards the purchase of turkey, ham, steak, chocolates, etc. Give the Lionshare Certificate to the cashier at any nationwide grocery store chain to redeem. Yes, it's that simple!
Select the merchandise and present your Certificate to the cashier just like any coupon. It's that easy!
How do I redeem my Lionshare Certificate?
Simply take your certificate to any nationwide grocery chain retailer of your choice and pick out the item that is represented on your certificate. For example, if you have received a Lionshare Turkey Certificate for ten dollars towards the purchase of a turkey, you may redeem the certificate towards any turkey products within the store. At check-out, present your Lionshare Certificate to the cashier, and anything under the certificate amount excluding tax will be free and anything over the amount will be paid by the purchaser after the amount of the certificate has been applied to the total of the qualifying products.
Where do I redeem my Lionshare Certificate?
You may redeem Lionshare Certificates at any nationwide grocery store chain in the United States. You may also redeem your Lionshare Certificate at any liquor outlet that will accept Lionshare Certificates. Membership clubs such as Costco or Sam's Club may not accept Lionshare Certificates.
Hmm, well, I learned something new today.
Also, I just had a thought... I wonder if the people sending me all this "old-people" junk mail think that I'm my Dad? After all, my first name's Deana, and his first name's Dean...and he's 63...
Hmmmmmm......we may be starting to unravel The Mystery of the "Old People" Mail...
Where's Nancy Drew when you need her?
LOL!
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